


Never Have I Ever Apologized

by crystalkei



Series: Never Have I Ever Actually Fallen In Love [15]
Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: “Devi’s mom saw us.”“Saw you what?” Trent asked.“Fuck,” Fabiola whispered, her eyes widening while Eleanor dropped her french fry and her jaw.
Relationships: Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar, Trent Harrison/Eleanor Wong
Series: Never Have I Ever Actually Fallen In Love [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761826
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	Never Have I Ever Apologized

**Author's Note:**

> welp this is it! the big finish! I will have a little extra bit like a deleted scene that comes after and I reserve the right to come back to this and add little vignettes as I want but this is the big finale! After this, I'm starting the exes future fic that will also take place in this universe but 15 years later!

Good morning! It’s John McEnroe and it’s the day of the SATs. Devi was not worried but we’re not even with Devi at the moment. We’re with Devi’s boyfriend, Paxton Hall-Yoshida. I know, I know, Simone Biles narrated for him before while I was out on a break but this is the big finish! I had to take this one! I have to know how everything shakes out! (And Simone is very busy perfecting another flip that literally no one has done before and we can’t bother her for this. She’s doing important work for her sport.) 

Paxton, as you might recall, was not known for his engaging intellect but as we’ve come to find out, that’s a sore spot for him. He’s not stupid, he just wasn’t always trying his best. I could lie and say I can’t relate, but I’ve been in tennis long enough, sometimes I’m not giving it my all. It happens! But he’s studied all summer with the gang and last we heard, he’d even aced the last practice math portion he took. That didn’t mean he was any less nervous. 

The beeping from his alarm woke him up but Paxton groaned. Morning came too soon.    
  
“I made you breakfast!” Mrs. H-Y shouted on the other side of his bedroom door. “Big day!” 

As if he could forget. 

It didn’t matter how many practice tests he took or how many times Devi assured him he was going to do fine, it didn’t even matter that his 50 meter free was the fastest in the school district or that UC Santa Barbara didn’t care what his SAT score was. It was a matter of pride. He needed to do well. If only to prove it to himself that he could. 

Then again, he considered not telling anyone what his score was, ever. Not people at school, not his girlfriend, not his parents. Because c’mon, if they didn’t like him without a high SAT score, what was the point? He had a lot of mixed emotions and probably some heartburn from the unease. 

By the time he walked into the kitchen, his parents were getting ready to walk out the door. On the table, his mom had left him a stack of sourdough pancakes that she’d decorated with chocolate chips to make a smiley face. It was her special breakfast for him, he hadn’t had the heart to tell her that he picked the chocolate chips off because he wasn’t six anymore. He knew it meant she cared. 

“We’re running to Home Depot,” his dad said, patting him on the back as he walked by the table. “You got it today! Really feeling good about it!” 

It was possible his parents being excited and supportive was making this worse. He preferred when they didn’t comment on his academics...or lack thereof. 

Paxton pulled into the school parking lot and could see Devi’s mom’s car up ahead. Seeing Devi would make him feel grounded, more calm, but seeing her mom? That would not help. 

But he could avoid her and he did. Paxton met up with Devi as her mom drove away and greedily took her hand. Still nervous, but now he was holding his girlfriend’s hand and walking towards his fate. Without thinking, he leaned over and kissed the side of her head. He did it all the time. He just liked to do it. Her hair smelled nice and she always smiled when he did it. It made him feel close to her. 

“Don’t be nervous,” Devi said, without breaking her stride. “You’re going to do fine.”

“Aren’t you nervous? You’re not, are you?” Paxton asked, stopping and forcing her to stop just before the door to the school. 

Devi let go of his hand and faced him. She put on what he could only describe as her game face. She didn’t play sports but this was her game. This was her arena.    
  
“I’m nervous. But I remember that I’ve already got a second test scheduled. I’ll probably take it three more times. If you don’t do well, you can take it again too. Most swim programs don’t even care what you score on your SAT, they’re only worried about your…” Devi snapped her fingers and scrunched up her face, trying to think.   
  
“My 50 meter freestyle time,” he provided. 

“Right. And that’s fuckin’ fast so this is just basically an excuse to sit next to me in a room for three hours” 

“I’d rather do that at home.” 

“I know.” She smiled sympathetically. “You got this. I got this. We got this.” 

He felt like an idiot. He hated that he needed her to hype him up. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel like she had to encourage him. He knew she was smarter than him by a mile and he was deeply aware that everyone thought he was stupid but this was a new low.    
  
As if she could read his mind, though, she tugged on his hand.   
  
“Hey, you handle me crying 37 times a day, the least I can do is play hype man for this test.”    
  
Paxton nodded his head. Okay. Give and take. That’s what a relationship was, right? He was pretty sure he’d seen a Brené Brown quote on his mom’s quote a day calendar about that. 

“Kiss for luck?” he asked.    
  
“I don’t believe in luck and you don’t even need luck. But I’ve never missed a chance to kiss you so…” She moved closer to him, her nose brushed his and she kissed him. For a half second, everything was just fine. Devi tasted like minty toothpaste and her lips were soft and kissing her was life changing the first time he did it and the appeal had not worn off in the months that he’d gotten to do it daily. 

Then it was time to take the test. 

And then it was over.    
  
It wasn’t that bad. It was manageable. Could have been worse but it was fine. The math section was fine. The vocab was mostly fine. If he spent too much time dwelling on how long he took, he might explode so instead he focused on the plastic chair outside the testing room he was sitting on. There was a scuff on the side and a scratch he could move his finger along.

Devi came out 20 minutes after he did, smiling wide. “Nailed it!” She held up her hand for a high five and he couldn’t help but smile back, stand up, and give the high five. This was her wheelhouse. This was her competitive sport. 

“I know you did too, I’m proud of you.” Devi slid her hand down his forearm to hold his hand, basically gluing herself to his side. 

“I didn’t do as well as you,” he said, encouraging her. 

“Hey, you worked hard all summer and that’s what being smart is anyways. I didn’t come out of the womb being smart. I worked at it. You worked at it. Taking tests and learning shit is work and anyone can do it.” 

See, Devi wasn’t arrogant about being top of the class. The same way Paxton had never thought of Devi as less worthy of attention because she didn’t run in popular circles, (yes, he did use that as an excuse once but Becca saw that for what it was, a bullshit excuse,) Devi didn’t think people were stupid and she never judged other people by their grades. She was friends with Trent now, that should say something about how she viewed others. It surprised him at first, like she was just saying it to make him feel better, but he saw her with everyone, she didn’t care. She liked people for who they were and she’d never been one to toss around insults about intellect like Ben Gross would. 

“I’d rather think about chili cheese fries right now, Devi. Let’s get lunch.” It was an excuse to not talk about his own insecurities but Devi was easily distracted by sex or food and it was lunchtime so fries was the best option. 

“We’re supposed to meet up at the pool after we get the food. Eleanor and Fab already finished their tests, so I know Eleanor had to get Trent food.” Devi explained as they walked to the parking lot. 

Paxton rubbed a thumb along her thumb as they walked and Devi leaned into him further. “Did I tell you I changed my schedule and ditched that free period and got into the women’s lit class?”

“No!” Devi’s eyes lit up. “That’s gonna be so fun! I heard the class is only like 10 of us and that kind of ratio is great for-”   
  
He’d been paying such close attention to Devi that Paxton totally missed the Subaru pull up in front of them until the window rolled down and a very angry Dr. Vishwakumar started shouting. If he hadn’t been caught off guard, he would have dropped Devi’s hand and put two feet between them but he was definitely channeling a deer in the headlights. 

“Devi, you get in this car right now!” 

“Mom?” Devi sounded as surprised as Paxton was feeling but she didn’t let go of his hand. Instead, he felt her grip tighten. "Why are you here? I told you I didn't need a ride home. You're supposed to be at home?"

“Get in the car!” Her shout grew louder and that seemed to snap Paxton out of his shock. He let go of Devi’s hand and instead moved to touch her lower back. That seemed safer and he didn’t exactly want to stop touching her. 

“I’m not getting in the car.”    
  
McEnroe: oh no. Those are fightin’ words. 

"I saw you kissing that boy this morning when I dropped you off. Get in the car!" Her mom was fuming. 

Paxton was torn, he wanted to support Devi, obviously, but he knew this would eventually happen and resisting was not going to help their case. 

“How long have you been lying to me? Months?” Dr. Vishwakumar looked vaguely hurt underneath the tight lines of anger. 

He looked at Devi, stubborn and pissed, and leaned over, lowering his voice so just she would hear. “You should go. Fighting isn’t going to work. And not right here, she's just getting more upset.” 

Devi’s brows lowered. She looked unsure and concerned and he hated it. He couldn’t help himself, against his better judgement, he kissed her cheek, and repeated himself. “Go home with her. It’s fine.” 

“Get away from her!” 

That one really made Devi mad. She took two steps towards the car and opened the door roughly, and once she sat down, slammed it shut so hard it felt like the ground shook. “You can’t stop me from having a boyfriend, Mom!” 

As the car pulled away, Devi’s window didn’t go up, so Paxton could hear shouting as they drove off. He looked around and was grateful that only a few people were out from the test, they milled around, avoiding eye contact with him. When he got to the Jeep he put his head in his hands and tried not to panic. This was bad. Everything was fucked. Even if he’d known it was coming, it was worse than he’d imagined. And there wasn’t anything he could do about it. 

\--

After her initial defense of Paxton and her insistence that her mother didn’t actually have the power to stop her from dating, Devi stayed silent the short ride home. When they got home, she marched loudly up to her room. Was it something she did as a child when her mother made her mad? Yes. Did that make it any less effective? No. 

Once in her room, she pulled out the reusable Japanese shopping bag Paxton had stashed all her souvenirs in from under her bed. As she expected, a moment later, her mom was right behind her, ready to yell some more.    
  
“You don’t have time for boys, you have to get into Princeton!” 

“Have my grades ever once dipped?” Devi argued, not looking at her mom and instead dumping the bag on her bed. “Have you noticed me less centered on my goal to go to Princeton? Have I done less studying since I started dating Paxton? No! I think I may actually be studying more!” 

“What are you doing? What is all that?” Nalini asked, confused about the bag and it’s contents. 

Stationary with cute cats, tabs for marking pages with cute faced sushi rolls, washi tape with gold and white flowers, brightly wrapped candies, and of course, her Duffy and Shellie Mae plush bears from Tokyo Disney covered her bed.    
  
“These are the gifts that my  _ boyfriend _ brought me back from his trip to Japan! I’ve been hiding them but now that you know he’s my boyfriend, I can display them all over my room.” Devi’s skin felt hot and she hoped her mom kept going because she wanted to fight about this. 

“Oh, so a boy buys you things and that makes you happy?” Nalini asked. 

“You are obsessed with how much things cost! It’s crazy that you would even suggest that!” Devi took a breath. “My last boyfriend was super rich and he didn’t even know what I liked! So no, it’s not the money spent, it’s that he knew what I would like! He listened to me!” 

“Of course he’s listening to you! He wants to use you!” 

“For what, exactly?”    
  
Nalini paused, thinking. “I don’t know yet but when I figure it out, I’ll be right!”    
  
“You’re always right!” Devi shouted. 

“Finally you understand!”    
  
Devi balled up her fists, her nails dug into the skin of her palms. 

“So, what is it? What punishment is it for the crime of having a boyfriend?” 

“The crime is lying to me about it,” Nalini corrected her. “For months, I assume? All the way back to at least that time I caught him unclogging our toilet.”    
  
“God, he’s such a monster, unclogging our toilet! Yes, of course, I understand why I can’t possibly have a boyfriend now.” Devi rolled her eyes. 

“You lied for months! The punishment is never leaving this room, as far as I’m concerned.” 

“Kamala and Prashant still haven’t told his parents they’re dating. Or her parents for that matter, but yes, yes, I agree that locking me in my room and throwing away the key is a proportionate response to me having a boyfriend.”    
  
“Lying about a boyfriend!” Nalini shook her head. “Kamala and Prashant are adults! When you’re an adult-” 

“What? It’s fine that I lie to you because I’ll be old enough to vote? You’d prefer I be angry and lonely and bitter like you until I die!” 

Devi almost covered her mouth but resisted the urge.  
  
McEnroe: that was...too far. Devi knew it the moment she said it. But what could she do now? The damage was done. 

Nalini pressed her lips together, her whole demeanor changed. “Give me your phone.” 

Devi huffed but she handed her mother her phone.    
  
“Computer too,” Nalini added and Devi complied, handing over her Macbook and realizing she had no way to communicate with anyone. 

When her mom left the room, Devi finally let herself cry. She’d fucked up and there was no way out of this. 

\--

Paxton wandered into the pool on autopilot. He didn’t say hi to Amy, he didn’t wave to a kid from the Tuesday swim class. He just walked over to the regular table where Trent was eating with Eleanor and Fab and sat down. 

“Where’s Devi?” Eleanor asked.    
  
“Was the test that bad?” Trent asked, his brows furrowed. “I knew it. I should just join the military.”    
  
Eleanor smacked Trent’s arm. “No, you’re not.” 

Paxton propped his elbows on the table and put his chin in his hands, defeated. “Devi’s mom saw us.” 

“Saw you what?” Trent asked. 

“Fuck,” Fabiola whispered, her eyes widening while Eleanor dropped her french fry and her jaw. 

“She shouted a lot and Devi tried to start a fight with her right there in the school parking lot but I convinced her going with her mom was better than fighting but…” Paxton trailed off. “What happens now?”

Nobody said anything, but Trent picked up his drink, slurping until the noise was so grating that even Paxton seemed to snap out of his fog and glare at him.    
  
“Sorry,” Trent muttered. 

“What’s the plan? Surely you guys had a plan in place for this obvious eventuality?” Fab asked, concerned. 

“A plan?” Paxton looked up confused and shook his head. “No, no plan. Her mom definitely took her phone because she’s not answering. What if we have to break up? What if her mom grounds her until she’s 25. What if she does something ridiculous and rash like homeschooling her so I can never see her again?”   
  
“What if Dr. Vishwakumar tries to move them to India again?” Eleanor offered, picking up a french fry but dropping it again. She’d lost her appetite. 

“India?” Paxton looked up panicked. “Moving her to India? I didn’t know that was on the table?”

He’d barely survived two weeks in Japan without her, if she moved to India he’d be double fucked. 

“Didn’t you hear about that last year?” Fabiola asked, tilting her head like he was supposed to already know this terrifying information. 

“No, yes, wait, I mean she mentioned it once but I thought she was being dramatic” he said. “I don’t have any context for it, what do you know?”

“That’s why she lived with Ben Gross for a week? That’s why she ended up dating Ben Gross? You really didn’t know about any of this?” Fabiola narrowed her eyes.

“I generally avoid all discussion of Devi’s unbearable ex boyfriend, Ben Gross. It was a dark time for me.” 

Paxton had no idea there was a competition and if he had known, he felt pretty confident he would have at least placed but no one told him to show up to the race so he’d missed out. He spent months of that time trying to not be attracted to Devi, to stop thinking about the one time he’d gotten to kiss her, trying to convince himself that she was just another girl and there were plenty of them, all interested in him. But he kept coming back to Devi and the way she always said something a little off that made him smile, the way she was shamelessly herself when it felt like nobody else was, and how kissing her raised his heart rate higher than stepping on the starting block before a race. 

“Her mom threatened to move them back to India, she was struggling since Devi’s dad died and she wanted to move them back but Devi ran away and then her mom went to therapy one time and it all worked out,” Fabiola explained.

Eleanor started where Fab left off, “But what if Dr. Vishwakumar is so mad about you two lying and dating that she packs her up in the middle of the night and moves them back to India?”

His leg started shaking and he had to stand up, pacing was better than sitting. “What am I gonna do? What if Devi’s pissing off her mom right now? You know she can’t just let something go.”    
  
“She really could be making it worse right now,” Trent offered, earning him another smack from Eleanor. 

“You’re not helping!” she stage whispered. 

\--

Devi considered apologizing to her mother but only for the fact that she went too far, not for lying, not for dating Paxton, not for enjoying her life! But as she paced her room, she found more and more reasons why she didn’t need to apologize. 

There was a knock, then Kamala pushed the door open and handed Devi a plate. “Your mother says you shouldn’t come out because she doesn’t want to see you.” 

She wasn’t going to take the plate but it was tacos and she was so hungry, so she took it from Kamala. A hunger strike would never be on Devi’s agenda. 

“What did you say to her?” Kamala stood in the doorframe. “She’s very upset.” 

Devi took a bite of her taco and chewed enough to answer, food still in her mouth, “I may have said she wanted me to be bitter and lonely like she was.”    
  
Kamala’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open. “Devi! That’s terrible!” 

Devi took another bite of her taco. She could tell Kamala she regretted saying it, but she didn’t want to. Kamala got away with everything and Devi got away with nothing and it only made Devi annoyed. So she said something harsh to her mother, it’s not like her mother had been kind to her! Or her boyfriend for that matter!    
  
“Mom has said some truly fucked up things about Paxton,” Devi argued. “You know that! He doesn’t deserve the things she’s said. And she always calls him stupid! That’s not fair. She doesn’t even know him.” 

“But what you said was cruel, Devi, your mother doesn't want to be alone and she doesn’t want you to be alone.” 

“My mom doesn’t get to control my life like this, she can lock me in my room forever but I’m not gonna dump my boyfriend because she doesn’t like him or she doesn’t like me dating. She can’t actually stop me.”    
  
Kamala sighed. “This is not going to be pretty if you both refuse to give an inch.”    
  
“She can give an inch. She’s never done it in my life and certainly not for me but isn’t it time I demanded it from her?” 

McEnroe: Devi had talked herself into the high ground but she didn’t really have it and this standoff could go on forever at this rate. You know who couldn’t go on forever like this, though? One Paxton Hall-Yoshida who had been a mess of nerves since lunchtime. 

Being in Japan was different for Paxton this summer because he was constantly occupied with what was going on in Sherman Oaks while he was gone. It was never an issue before. Two weeks to hang out and eat his favorite food, there was always some hike his mom wanted to go on and his cousins always managed to take at least one night to discreetly sit around getting drunk on whatever seasonal flavor of ChuHi while the parents went out to dinner. 

But this trip he’d spent all his time showing everyone pictures of Devi. Anytime someone asked about his academic progress, he’d deflect to “have you seen my girlfriend? Isn’t she beautiful? She’s a genius.” And he missed her so much. Every fun thing that happened, he wanted to tell her, every piece of stationary in every store seemed like something she would like, and at the end of the day, he thought the trip would have been 100 times better if she was there with him.    
  
He knew this was not good.    
  
He knew that next year’s trip to Japan would also not include Devi. He knew that the year after that she’d be off to Princeton and he’d be at home and all of that was before he remembered that her mother was the first hurdle they had to clear.    
  
And now the hurdle was knocked over. 

If being in Japan for two weeks was rough, anything that Dr. Vishwakumar doled out as punishment was going to be even worse.    


They shoulda had a plan, like Fabiola suggested. Paxton should have seen this coming. He did see it coming, but Devi was so sure it would be fine, he trusted her. It was so easy to do that, she was confident to a fault, he could see that now. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he was in his car. He drove through In-N-Out before he drove to her house. It was late, almost midnight, and hopefully her mom would be asleep. Paxton was taking his life in his hands but he’d been tense for almost 12 hours now and he needed to see her. The house was dark, except a light in Devi’s room, and he breathed a little easier. But he hadn’t thought out the plan. How was he going to get up there? Especially carrying a bag of food and a neapolitan milkshake?

McEnroe: guys, I think he’s gonna pull a Steve. Paxton didn’t know about Steve, Kamala’s ex boyfriend, but we athletic types think alike. He saw a rain gutter and went for it. 

With a milkshake in his flannel pocket and the bag of food in his mouth, he managed to climb the rain gutter and knock on Devi’s window. 

“Oh my god!” Devi took the bag of food and the milkshake, put them on her desk, and offered to help pull Paxton in, but he had already come through and landed not very gracefully on the floor. “That is so ridiculous, oh my god, I love you so much!” 

Devi wrapped her arms around his neck and ended up on the floor with him, he held her tightly and felt relief for the first time all day. He buried his face in her neck and revelled in the way she tightened her grip when he tried to pull away. When she finally pulled away, she smacked his arm.    
  
“You could have broken a bone, jerk! That would have been so bad for swim season and your 50 meter freestyle time!” 

He smiled. “Eat your fries before they’re gross.” 

“How’d you know I was starving?”

“Because you’re always starving. Or horny. And we’re not having sex when your mom is already fuming mad at us so I brought food.” 

Devi’s face darkened. “God, she’s being so awful.” 

“What’d she say?” Paxton asked, pulling himself off the floor to sit on Devi’s bed. 

“That I’m locked in my room forever.” 

“But this room,” he pointed at the floor, and went on. “Not a room in like, India right?”

“India?” Devi looked surprised. “No. She just got her practice Medicare compliant and the amount of effort that took, the ways we had to hear about all the paperwork, I can’t imagine she’d pack me up and move, even for this.” 

Paxton was relieved at least on one front. “What about school?”

“We still have a week ‘til it starts.” Devi took a sip of the milkshake. 

“Yeah but she’s not gonna homeschool you or anything like that, right? You’re still going to school?”

Devi’s face softened. “Shit, you’ve really been worried about this all day, I’m sorry.”    
  
He shrugged and Devi offered him the milkshake, he took a drink, and handed her the fries. “I’m fine. I was worried about you.”    
  
“I can handle my mom,” she said, touching his knee. “She’s gonna be mad for awhile. I’m gonna be mad. I’m probably gonna have to clean every baseboard in the house and then I’ll eventually see the light of day. It will be fine.” 

“But what about us?” Paxton asked, his hand motioning between the two of them. “Am I gonna be stuck sneaking in your window and only seeing you at school?”

“She can’t actually stop me from dating you, she can only stop me from leaving the house so…” Devi trailed off, taking the milkshake back from him. 

Paxton bit the inside of his cheek. “You’re not gonna like this.” 

“What?” Devi narrowed her eyes. 

“We need to apologize to her.” 

Devi immediately shook her head. “No, no no, we’re not gonna do that. Especially you! What did you even do? This isn’t your fault!” 

“I went along with the plan to not tell her. I was lying, too. And maybe apologizing will soften her up,” Paxton said, scooting closer to her on the bed. “It was wrong. You know it was wrong. We have to apologize at least for that.” 

She looked away, her eyes fixed on something across the room.    
  
“Devi.” He touched her chin, guiding her to look at him. “What’s so bad about apologizing at least for that?”

“She was so mean to you.” Devi looked like she might cry. “So mean that you didn’t even want to hang out with me anymore! She called you a walking HPV infection! When you were just trying to help me. You shouldn’t have to apologize.” 

It occurred to Paxton that the way he heard Dr. Vishwakumar in his head suggesting he would ruin Devi’s life, maybe Devi had catalogued the horrible things her mother had said about him. He didn’t even remember the HPV thing but it sounded like something she’d have said. 

“Sometimes you just apologize because it makes things better. I’m hoping it makes things better. Your mom said awful things to me but...wait,” Paxton caught what she’d said, Devi remembered when he blew her off after he tried to return her dress, after her mom had said Paxton would ruin her life. Oh. “Do you think I’m gonna dump you because your mom found out we were dating? Or because your mom was mean to me?”

“No. Yes.” Devi looked away again. “I don’t know.” 

“Devi, three hours ago I was googling plane tickets to India trying to figure out how much of my summer job money I’d have to save in case your mom fled the country with you.” Paxton kissed the side of her head, “Whatever your mom does, I still love you. I wouldn’t know how to stop loving you. Trent’s gonna laugh when he hears it but I’m ride or die now. You’re gonna have to plan a whole con to get rid of me. Gonna have to be way more elaborate than the Target ones.” 

Devi smiled, her eyes watery but she didn’t cry. She kept saying how she hated to cry in front of him but he didn’t mind. She felt emotions strongly and it made her easier to read. Besides, by now, he could usually tell what kind of tears, like it seemed that these had gone from upset and sad to happy. 

“Damn, you’re such a romantic nerd,” she said, putting her hands on either side of his face and kissing him. 

Paxton kissed her back, his own breath hitching when she bit his lip. Moving a hand up her arm, he found the coyote scar on the front of her shoulder and traced it with his finger. Devi hadn’t yet noticed but he was maybe a little obsessed with it, like it was a good luck charm or something. And if she hadn’t noticed, he certainly wasn’t going to tell her. She’d definitely think he was weird. As much as he could kiss her all night, he was aware that he was in her room, without permission, and they were already on her mom’s shit list. He pulled back reluctantly from her kiss. 

“I should go. Your mom would totally call the cops if she walked in right now,” he said. 

Devi rolled her eyes. “Fine.” 

She kissed him again, a quick peck, before looking back at the window. “Do not break any bones going down, I can’t take care of you if you do. I can’t drive you to the hospital because I can barely make it a couple of turns around the Mormon church parking lot. I’d have to call an ambulance, my mom would hear, it’d be a whole thing.”    
  
“I won’t break any bones.” Paxton promised. He stood up, but noticed Duffy and Shellie Mae on Devi’s pillow and picked them up. “They get to be out of the bag?”

“Mom knows now so all the good shit is out on display.” 

“You did it to piss her off, didn’t you?” he asked, a knowing look on his face.    
  
“Yes.” She took the bears from him and held them against her chest. “How come they smell like your hair gel?”   
  
“I put them in my pillow case for the rest of the trip,” he admitted, feeling sheepish. “It reminded me of you before I went to sleep.” 

“You’re so disgusting, you love me so much,” she teased. “Ew.” 

“Totally disgusting.” He smiled. “Apologize to your mom so I can see you legally some time before the decade is up.” 

“I’ll think about it,” she said as he climbed out the window. “Still think it’s useless but I’ll consider it because you asked me to.” 

“That’s all I’m asking,” he said, climbing down the rain gutter. 

\--

McEnroe: just rooms away, Nalini was having her own issues. She couldn’t get comfortable in her bed and she couldn’t sleep. When she finally fell asleep, it was fitful. 

“It’s okay, let me get you a banana to help,” Mohan said. 

McEnroe: Mohan? Oh, now Nalini is seeing him! Or she’s dreaming. She’s probably dreaming. 

“A banana doesn’t help me fall asleep. It helps you fall asleep because you are a bottomless pit of constant hunger,” Nalini said, shaking her head. 

“Fine, it will help me sleep, which is currently impossible to do with you tossing and turning like that. What’s the matter?”

“It’s Devi,” she said, simply, as if that covered everything. 

Mohan smiled. “You know she’s stubborn because you’re stubborn. I’m not. That part that gets you riled up? That’s from you.” 

“Oh stop that, she’s not just stubborn. She’s too rebellious. She doesn’t listen. She’s gonna ruin her life.” 

Nalini felt a jolt of fear. If Devi ruined her life, everything she’d done, it all felt pointless. She was trying to raise her to be successful and instead Devi wanted to be free and wild. It was ridiculous. Being successful was far more valuable. 

“Devi is not a teenager from the HBO show  _ Euphoria _ ,” Mohan said, propping his head up on his hand. “She’s a regular teenager. She wants a boyfriend, she wants to drive a car, she wants to eat so many french fries.” 

“She wants to give me a heart attack, she wants to make me a grandmother far too soon, and she wants to piss me off.” Nalini scrubbed her face. 

“The tighter you hold her, the more she’ll push against you,” he said. 

“What does that even mean? That’s like something you found in a self help book.” 

Mohan shook his head. “You know what it means. Give her some space. It will work out.”

“How can you be so sure? You aren’t here to help.” Nalini’s eyes welled with tears. “You weren’t supposed to leave me to this. It’s not what I was built for.” 

Mohan reached out and held her cheek. 

“You’re better at it than you think. She’s getting better. You’re getting better. It’s okay. You’re doing alright.” 

“What am I supposed to do with her now? I don’t think I can actually lock her in her room forever. And she’ll see that boy at school. I can’t stop her. How do I fix her?” Nalini asked, desperate for help. 

“She doesn’t need to be fixed.”    
  
“Says you,” Nalini added. 

“Devi’s almost grown. Trust her to make some decisions. If she trusts this boy, trust her.”    
  
“That’s a bad idea. Surely, even my dream version of you could come up with something better?” 

Mohan laughed. “Maybe start with compromising. Maybe apologizing for the nasty things you said about that boy you don’t even know.”    
  
Nalini rolled her eyes. “Terrible idea.” 

But as she rolled over in her bed, she saw the framed wedding photo of her and Mohan and she knew if she rolled back over he would be gone. He wasn’t here. Of course. But oh how she wished he was. 

\--

Devi woke up to Kamala knocking.    
  
“I brought you toast.” Kamala put the plate on Devi’s dresser. “You’re in trouble but now I’m a maid delivering food. Must be nice. Enjoy your breakfast in bed.”    
  
“My everything is in bed now, Kamala, I’m in trouble! This isn’t fun for me either! Could you bring me some Frosted Flakes or something? I hid a bag of it in the Grape Nuts box in the very back of the cupboard.”    
  
“I’m not bringing you contraband cereal!” Kamala shouted from the stairs. 

Devi sulked, not even bothering to sit up while she shoved a piece of toast in her mouth. But she caught sight of the In N’ Out bag from last night in her trash can. Paxton had asked her to apologize to her mom, to try and make it better. 

She cringed as she remembered the thing she hadn’t even told Paxton, the terrible thing she’d said to her mother about being bitter and alone. It was too far. So Devi started there. She could work herself up to apologize. She’d start there. 

When she was dressed, she decided to take her own plate downstairs instead of waiting for Kamala. This would give her a reasonable excuse to be out of her room and maybe she could try to apologize to her mom without a whole new fight erupting. 

She put her plate in the kitchen sink, but she didn’t see anyone downstairs so she stalled by rinsing the plate, something she would never do otherwise but she needed the time. She made sure the water was loud and she clanked the dish against the side of the sink to try and draw her mother out. 

“Oh, so you do know how to rinse your dishes,” Nalini said, coming into the kitchen. “Here I thought you never did it because you didn’t know how.”    
  
It was meant to start a fight. Or maybe it wasn’t. But it felt like a fight. Devi took a deep breath so she didn’t fall for the bait. She turned around and leaned against the kitchen sink. 

“I’m ready to apologize,” Devi said.    
  
Her mother clutched her chest. “So soon! Less than 24 hours in your room? You know an apology won’t get you out of there any faster, right?”

Devi pressed her lips together and again tried to breathe. “I’m sorry I lied to you about dating Paxton.”    
  
Nalini raised an eyebrow but said nothing, waiting for Devi to go on. 

“You’ve been super harsh to him before and when we started going out, I just thought I wouldn’t tell you. I didn’t know if it was going to last so why bother making you angry. But that’s not an excuse.” 

Her mother’s face didn’t change and Devi took another cleansing breath. This was harder than she thought it would be. 

“I know you don’t care about that, really, and you just don’t want me dating. But you can’t stop me from dating him. You can lock me in my room but I’ll see him at school and I’m not going to break up with him so don’t bother demanding that.” 

Nalini opened her mouth like she might say something but closed it again. She didn’t look pleased.    
  
“This is a terrible apology.” 

“I’m not done yet,” Devi defended. 

“Does it get better? Are you going to tell me actually you are going to break up with this boy? Because you should. You don’t have time for a boyfriend.” Nalini crossed her arms across her chest. 

Devi recognized this for what it was, a distraction and another attempt to start a fight. She closed her eyes and ignored her mother for just a second. Paxton asked her to do this and even if he was wrong about softening her up, at least Devi would have the high ground and that was good enough motivation. 

“I need to apologize for the worst thing I said yesterday,” Devi started again, opening her eyes. “I let my temper get the best of me and I shouldn’t have said that you wanted me to be like you, bitter and alone.”    
  
At the mention of it, Nalini gulped. For just a second, she saw her mother’s hurt flash before she steeled herself again. 

‘I know you wish you weren’t alone,” Devi’s voice cracked, she didn’t really understand why she felt that lump in her throat she got before she cried.    
  
McEnroe: she’s talking about her dad so we all get why she’s getting that lump, right? We caught that, even if Devi didn’t. 

“Dad being gone sucks. And I wish he were here, too.” Devi blinked back tears. “You’re gonna hate that I’m saying this but whatever we’re already fighting so who cares, but I love my boyfriend and I’ve only loved him a little while and he left for two weeks and I missed him so much. So even though I miss Dad, so much, I feel like I understand just a little bit of how much  _ you _ must miss Dad.”

Nalini shook her head and looked away. Devi had tried to relate to her mother and her mother didn’t care. Didn’t want to relate. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t compare this boy to your father.” 

“I’m not trying to do that! That’s weird. I’m trying to understand you. I’m trying to relate and sympathize.” Devi scrubbed her face, wiping tears as she went. What use was it trying to talk to her mom when she was the only one giving anything?

Nalini wrapped herself up tighter in her sweater, annoyed and uncomfortable. She blinked and Devi could see the tears in her eyes but she didn’t say anything for a minute. Almost too long. Devi thought about going back up to her room, her mom wasn’t willing to give an inch, even though Devi had tried. 

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish that your father was here because I am lonely and his dying like that was not part of the deal.” Nalini’s voice trembled, and it surprised Devi. She’d never heard her like that. “I’m trying, Devi, I’m trying to understand you but I don’t.”   
  
Devi sighed. Hearing her mother say that, it felt like the pinprick she got on her finger when she dug too far in the sewing basket and hit a pin. Sure, not a stab wound, but it hurt still. 

“I’ll keep trying to understand you but-”    
  
Devi cut off her mother, this time she was saving herself from something mean Nalini might say. “It’s fine. I don’t need you to understand me. I needed to apologize. I did it. I’m done.” 

\--

Paxton was pacing in front of the Vishwakumar’s door. He hadn’t worked up the courage yet to actually knock, but he was getting there. Any minute now. He told Devi that apologizing was a necessity and he knew it, but actually doing it, well, he simply wasn’t as brave as she was out of the gate and he needed a minute to prepare. The whole ride over he’d gone over it in his head but Dr. Vishwakumar was scary and she held a lot of control over his life. Hopefully she wouldn’t pack Devi up and leave the country but she could make his life miserable by making Devi’s life miserable and he didn’t like that thought. 

Along with the immediate consequences, he felt guilty. He didn’t like lying and it had been weighing on him a while. The cons, the lunch, every time his mom mentioned having the Vishwakumars over for dinner, it was a constant source of stress and yes he told Devi that apologizing might make this problem easier to solve, but selfishly, he wanted to dump the weight of the guilt. Apologizing, no matter how Dr. Vishwakumar took it, would lighten that load. 

He shook out his whole body before he knocked on the door. He picked up the case of fruit he brought and waited patiently for his fate. 

When Dr. Vishwakumar opened the door, she looked like she was upset, Paxton couldn’t tell for sure but her eyes were puffy like she’d been crying. Her mood did not improve upon seeing Paxton, not that he expected it to. She rolled her eyes and immediately her face was drawn into a scowl. 

“Devi is grounded. She can’t see anyone.” 

“I came to see you, actually,” he said, trying to sound confident but not arrogant.    
  
She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes and then looked at the fruit in his arms.    
  
“Are you trying to bribe me?”

Paxton pressed his lips together in a strained smile. Of course she would think the worst.    
  
“It’s a peace offering.” He shifted the case of fruit in his arms, showing her. “They’re Japanese pears.” 

Nalini eyed the case, suspiciously. “They’re very expensive.” 

McEnroe: Paxton knew they were expensive and that’s why he’d picked them. His grandparents always took Japanese pears when they went to someone’s home. But thankfully, Paxton didn’t have to spend too much. He knew the guy that the Asian market used, he was a swim coach for another high school in town. He wasn’t going to tell Nalini he’d gotten a deal. When he explained to the coach why he needed a whole case of Japanese pears, the guy took pity on him. Because c’mon, who wouldn’t? He was in a real bind here! The point was, the pears did their job. She knew what they were worth and she would at least give him a few minutes of attention. 

Paxton had her on the line and he wasn’t sure how long she’d allow him to stand there. Besides, she might start with the insults and he wanted to at least get some of the apology out before he had to slow for her to insult him. (He really didn’t want that to be something he had to give space for but his expectations were based on every other interaction they’d had so he was sure it would eventually be something she’d do.)

“I need to apologize for lying about dating Devi,” he said, distracting her from the pears. She looked up at him, her brow furrowed. “I went along with Devi’s plan because you haven’t exactly been very kind to me and I didn’t want to subject myself to you mocking my intelligence on the regular but that’s not an excuse. I shouldn’t have lied. Especially when I was here having lunch with you.” 

Dr. Vishwakumar wrapped her sweater around her and folded her arms across her chest in one motion. 

“So you’ll stop dating Devi, then?” 

Paxton sized her up and decided she had to be bluffing. There was no way to come out of this question well but there was apologizing and then there was being unreasonable. 

“No,” Paxton said, “But I’ll respect whatever rules you put in place for me to date her. If I only see her at school, then fine, I’ll only see her at school. If her curfew is 8pm, then fine, I’ll have her home by 8pm, no questions asked.” 

Nalini shook her head and Paxton braced himself for whatever horrible thing she might say about him. But it didn’t come. 

She muttered something, under her breath, but he couldn’t make it out. (An improvement over roasting him so vocally, he supposed.) 

“Dr. Vishwakumar, I know you think I’m gonna ruin her life, but I’m not. It’s the last thing I want to do. I want her to go to Princeton and then medical school just as much as you do. She’s the smartest person I know and she isn’t even rude about it. I’m aware that she’s too good for me and I’ll happily send her off to college in a couple of years and I’ll stay here. I know how this is gonna go, I just wanna stand next to her as long as she wants me to.” 

Paxton could see her pick at something on her sweater, her finger moving against the grain of the weave. He focused on that motion because he didn’t want to look at her face because the sooner he did that, the sooner she’d say something that might ruin  _ his _ life. 

It felt like forever but was probably only a minute, the two of them standing in uncomfortable silence, before Nalini turned around and opened the door.    
  
“Devi, you may have 20, no, 15 minutes with your boyfriend on the porch,” she shouted into the house.    
  
Devi popped out like a bird in a cuckoo clock and raced out the door, but she froze in front of her mother.    
  
“No touching,” Nalini said, before reaching over and taking the case of Japanese pears from Paxton. “I’ll be watching, too, don’t think I’m not watching. 15 minutes. That’s all. And you’re still grounded until Monday when school starts. And after you have your 15 minutes, the baseboards need your immediate attention.” 

Devi’s smile stretched across her face and Paxton couldn’t help but smile too. 

“Got it.” Devi said. 

Paxton was so relieved to see her. Even if he’d seen her last night, he was just happy to see her. As soon as her mom closed the door, Devi wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He barely moved to put his hands on her waist though.    
  
“She said no touching she’s gonna yell at us,” he explained. 

“Oh whatever, she’s gotta go put that case of fruit down,” he felt Devi’s mouth against his neck and sighed. This was good. Apologizing was good. “What did you bring anyways?”

She pulled back and he was reminded of the other times he’d stood at her door, talking to her. This time was more stressful but way better in the end because she’d just hugged him and her mom knew they were dating now and it was gonna be okay. Everything was gonna be okay. 

“Just some Japanese pears. She asked if I was bribing her so that really didn’t go as I planned,” he explained. 

“She liked that they were expensive, didn’t she? God, she’s predictable.” 

He shrugged. “I feel like I just beat a boss level I’ve been playing for months.” 

“I mean it wasn’t all you, I also apologized,” Devi said.

“You did?” Paxton reached for her hand. He needed to touch her. Hopefully her mom didn’t notice. “Devi, I love you but I was really worried you were going to make it worse. When it comes to your mom, you’re stubborn as fuck.”

Her brow furrowed and uncomfortably it reminded him of the way her mother had just done that a few minutes earlier. 

“That’s rude. I did just fine. Maybe it was my apology that actually bought us this 15 minutes.” 

“Sorry,” he said, moving to kiss the side of her head. “I’m really glad you apologized and I’m really glad she’s fine, I guess?” 

“As fine as she’ll ever be. I don’t know if she’ll take your mom’s invitation for dinner...like ever.” 

“We can just keep saying she’s busy,” Paxton offered. 

“Good idea, boyfriend. Good idea.”    


**Author's Note:**

> I have compiled a spotify playlist of songs that were mentioned in the fic along with some others. And there's a graphic on tumblr! cupcakesandtv.tumblr.com/tagged/never-have-i-ever-actually-fallen-in-love :) I'd love to hear how you felt about this fic. I'm so glad yall have come with me on this one. 💕


End file.
